Memoirs of a Cyber Voyeur

It's difficult to describe the feelings I've had while watching the closing arguments of the James Arthur Ray trial.  There's an extra camera now, which allows viewers to see more than the backs and ears of speakers.  Now there's also the face of James Arthur Ray.

It's been both interesting and disturbing to watch Mr Ray ... on many levels.  There are moments when I feel like an uninvited interloper or Cyber Voyeur.  Unable to turn away ... I continue watching ... hoping to gain some insight into the feelings and emotions that drive the man.

James Arthur Ray appears to be struggling to keep from expressing uncontrolled emotion ... but he's obviously trying too hard, so his facial expressions seem unnatural ... almost bizarre ... his body language stiff and awkward.  When the camera pans to him, he seems to be holding his breath ... or breathes only in short shallow breaths. I have yet to see him breathe normally and deeply.

I've watched his expression change from smug indifference to appearing on verge of tears to rage to something akin to sadness ... all intermingled with what appears to be fear and outright terror.  I can't help wondering what drives these emotions?

Does James Arthur Ray cry for those who he allowed die?  I would have to say no, because if he felt any guilt he would have made amends LONG AGO ... would have apologized ... would have NEVER allowed his horridly cruel and insensitive defence. 

For months I've hoped that James Arthur Ray would stand up in court ... proclaim his guilt and his shame, asking forgiveness for all the pain his actions have caused.  Then Darrow calls for the evening recess and the half dream recedes from my brain until the trial starts again. 

I'm constantly reminding myself that a man with a pure heart doesn't lie, doesn't toss his friends, students and associates under the bus to save himself.  But even now ... when the trial's almost over ... I keep hoping James Arthur Ray will behave like a decent person and "do the right thing".

Alpha, Omega, God.  How bitterly insecure and lost James Arthur Ray must be to hold on so tightly to his delusions.  The integrity of a man is defined more by the things he does ... than the things he says. When the words and actions of a man are the same, he is seen as honorable.   There has been no honor in the actions of James Arthur Ray.  On some level (however small) he must sense this ... regardless of how damaged his soul really is.

No single person should have the amount of power and control James Arthur Ray wielded during the height of his insanity.  That a self professed (GOD) teacher and healer could cause the amount of pain, suffering and death that James Arthur Ray's actions have, is unimaginable.  That he still considers himself a blameless victim, is the ultimate proof of how dangerously deranged James Arthur Ray truly is.

So this morning, as I gather my thoughts and prepare for the day, my prayers and thoughts are with the survivors and the family members of all those maimed or killed by James Arthur Ray's words and actions.  Hopefully enough of the truth managed to filter through to the Jury.  God willing justice will finally be served ... and no one need ever fear being hurt by James Arthur Ray again.

Thank you to all the wonderfully caring #JamesRay Peeps I've met on Twitter.  You guys have helped me retain my faith and good spirits during these long months.

-- Video Posted by Salty Droid --